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"Take me to your BBQ."


Dixies, Bellevue WA

I met The Man today for lunch. Dixie's BBQ in Bellevue. (That rhymes) Chris took me there. He told Jean I was a "first-timer". Jean said, "You want to meet the Man?"

I said, "Yes, I know I'm a virgin and all, but uh, I want it."

He gave me a taste on my fork, he actually held it to my mouth. It was microscopic, but I was afraid Jean would do something unpredictable, so I said "OK, that's good, I mean the Man kicks ass, that stuff rocks."

Jean put a spoonful on my pork rib, and noticed I had a look of wanting something. I told Jean "I more another, all over here."

He said, "No you don't, you dip in this."

And he put another spoonful on top of the first. I ate it all.

After leaving out table Jean walked over to a woman and asked, "You wanna meat the man?"

"Oh, I dunno…" She looked scared, as she should. Jean picked up a toothpick, dunked it in the pan and handed it to her.

"Here" He said, and walked away. She held the toothpick by her mouth and looked around the room at people. The side of her mouth was cringing, and her eyes were wide.

"Put that in your mouth!" Jean shouted. She put the toothpick into her mouth. Her whole face convulsed and her back arched and bent forward. A woman at the other end of the table started to hand the woman some peanuts for the pain.

"Who told you to give her peanuts!" Jean yelled from across the room.

Peanuts help when extremely hot and spicy foods make you feel like you are going to die.

Red Tractor, Berkeley

I walked by the Red Tractor, and I was hungry. First I had to find an ATM. I found an ATM advertised on the front of a Liquor store on College Ave. Big store. I walked around the store for a minute until the owner looked at me, took his earphone out of his right ear and said, "ATM?"

"Uh, ya, do I have to buy anything to use it?"

"No, dollar for twenty, forty cents for fifty or more." He put his earphone back in his ear.

"Forty for fifty, dollar, what the heck, I'll burn the sixty cents, twenty dollars please." He almost took the earphone back out of his ear, instead he reached out for my card. I handed to him and he gave me the pad for my code. I typed it in, we waited as the machine decided I was OK, my bank was OK and it was OK. It went through, and he gave me my money. I quick sorted it into my two ones and I left.

I walked into the Red Tractor and waited in line while two sets of urban professional couples decided what to order. I already knew what I wanted before I walked in the door. No, I'd never been there but I knew, just from walking by ten minutes before and glancing through the window as I walked by. I wanted a down-home BBQ sandwich. I waited for my turn. I made it to the front of the line.

"What can I get ya?"

"I'd like a down-home BBQ sandwich please. I'm willing to pay for it."

She looked my right in the eye, and from behind her gold rim glasses and smile that said she had personally tried, and enjoyed everything on the menu, she asked, "And how would you like that?"

"I would like it very good please."

"Oh yes, but, do you want meatloaf, chicken, or non-meatloaf polenta?"

"I think meatloaf is the right answer." I nodded at her without blinking.

"Oh, me too, can I get you anything with that?"

"Rhino chaser please." I gave her the money for the sandwich and she gave me a receipt. "Is the bathroom available for customers?" I asked.

"Yes, and it's a treat, you're gonna like it."

Rudy's, Austin

 On the side of the building it says it all, "The worst BBQ in Austin."

When the 'waiter' brought out the BBQ he told us the sauce was too spicy for some folks and recommended we show care.

So after I dipped my first piece of brisket, and realized it was a two on a hot scale of ten, I felt cheated.


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