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"Dates And"


Alarm Systems



"Do you want to go out on a date tomorrow night?" She hit me on the knee with the big soup spoon.

"No....I have to work Fridays."

"I know, I mean after..." She walked around the bar and picked up a towel and a wet, clean, glass at the same time. She stared at me for a few long seconds as she dried the glass. And very quietly, no one over heard, she said;

"I....well...I wo...I'm kinda occ...."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I'm taken right now."

"Well, I'm glad you said that. I felt like I couldn't come in here and relax, I felt like I had to ask, I had to get that off my chest."

"You wanna hear your horroscope?"

"Sure." How couldI say no.

"What are you?"

"I'm on the cusp of capracorn and aquarius, so read them both silently and read me the best one, but don't tell me which one." She read them both.

"This week you will discover the next dimension in your new found power over your environment. Follow it as you must do."

"Are you serious? Or did you make that up?" Unfased, she read me the next one.

"Mars in in your favor. Do not let character assasinations bring you down. Look toward Mars to carry you through."

"OK, so follow the power and look for help from Mars. OK, got it."



You see, a month earlier she had asked why I had never asked her for a date. And I said that I had wanted to, but I thought it would be a faux pas to ask a bartender out, cause the get guys hitting on them all the time right? She said that she really appreciated me saying that.


She was standing at the bar near my table with the newspaper.


"So I went out with that girl I was telling you about for exactly two weeks."

"You mean the one that looked like Debbie Mazar?"

"Yeah, and then she calls me up last week and says that she can't see me anymore. So I said, OK, but can I ask why. And she says well, I'm in love with this guy in Berlin, she had just retuerned from the Berlin film festival a few weeks before. And I said, that's a fine answer, I can definately deal with that."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"No big deal, it all came and went so fast."

"Did you get to second base?"

"Do you really want to know the answer to that question?" Usually girls don't guys do.

"Yes I do." I nodded yes and she whispered;

"THird base?"

"Yes" and she mouthed;

"Home run?" I nodded yes.


"I think I was a surragate for the guy in Berlin, but I didn't ask."

"That's fucked up."


A police car pulls up front. Double parks. As the guy walked in I was consiedering mentining that double parking is illegal, when Jenny walks out to talk with him. I could hear their first words until he says;

"Well usually if it's a false alarm the proper procedure, so you know, is to have someone stand out in front so the officer..."

"I'm sorry it's my first time.."

"I know, don't worry about it. Anyway, the important thing is to get what color clothes.."

"You showed up so fast.."

"Yeah well, anyway, it's important to tell uswhat they are wearing, and which way they head down the street, how fast, etc." Jenny looks embarrassed.

"Thanks for coming."

"OK, Jen, see you later." The officer walked out and un-double parked his car.


I walked up to the bar and she spoke.

"You want another glass of wine?"

"Sure, yeah, I couldn't help but notice, were you almost robbed?"

"Well I saw this button under the counter, and it's in my nature, I had to push it and two minutes later there is this call from the alarm company..." All kinds of chatter from the at-the-bar crowd.

"And the officer happened to know your name.."

"Hey! I don't want to talk about that."


Later on she walks over.

"I noticed a lot of people, walking by, seeing yiu in the window, and looking."


"Oh, did you see that? The raggedy and girl was looking at you, I'm flattered."

"Oh...uh, no i was looking at you."

"A lot of guys look at you and smle."

"Well, like I told you, I have a lot of attractive, gay male friends.."

"Yeah, well you get a lot of looks." She turned around and straightened the free newspapers.

"Well, have you ever heard that you are the religion of your mother at birth? If you are born of a jewish mother, you are jewish? I think it even spreads down to Presbytirian. I dunno, but anyway, my mom is a vampire..and it attracts...."

"Your trying to get a job as a commediene and you're trying out your material on me, aren't you."

"Ask any of my friends who have met her.."

"Ok, yeah, that's funny, really you could get a job.."



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